My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
there was a trapeze. enough said
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
