She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
