Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
