tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
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