just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
