3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize