Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize