You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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