Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
