It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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