I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
