Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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