I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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