As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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