This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Randomize
