just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
