community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
