I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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