I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
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