You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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