Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
