seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
