And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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