Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
Randomize
