Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
