That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
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