My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
