My liver just broke up with me...
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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