I haven't been this sober since birth.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Randomize
