I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
