Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
