So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize