I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
