I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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