Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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