Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
two words: eviction party
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Randomize
