I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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