i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
