all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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