My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
