Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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