he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
