do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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