Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize