is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
