watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
