Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Randomize
