haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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