so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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