nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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