Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
