New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Everyone says I win the strip club
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
