i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Randomize
