rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize