happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Randomize
