my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
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