Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Shame - the story of my life.
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