Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Hippo gnu deer
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
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