Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
