The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Randomize
