One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Randomize
