I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
