i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Randomize
