She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
