oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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