I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
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