Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
